Crossroads.

              Being out of stuffs to write, I've left this place dusty and filled with spiderwebs (Ewww) for some time. The truth is, my life nowadays is so mundane, and full of uncertainties, that I really don't know what to talk about.

              Once again, I'm back to the F&B field, working at O'Briens as a sandwich crew. The experience is generally fun, got to know lotsa ppl, kuyas and parehs from philipinnes and many from malaysia as well. Not much to talk about here, apart from a freakingly irritating colleague  that seems to be able to be the pain in my ass every second I see her. I find her quite pitiful actually, if not for the fact she keeps annoying me. Anyway, don't let her taint my blog. This job, apart from offering me a break from being constantly a penniless bummer, also allows me to learn quite few stuffs. How different everyone can be, how friendly Filipinos are, how to deal with difficult people, how to understand that some people didn't choose these roads, they simply don't have the power to choose. Most of them are uni graduates!!! I am one of the few lucky ones, I must say. Thank God, thank parents. This job brings me to the earth, how I had led a rather luxurious life, where 1.3k is actually sufficient for them, but barely covered my expenses @.@ One thing I must do before I leave, I'm going to email the boss of O'briens, and tell him what I've observed. And of course, some farewell gifts for those who has helped me =)

                 I was rather surprised my whole family came to find me during Raya. So happy. At night, Jiayong korkor actually talked to me. I remember him to dote on me a lot when I was still young, but we kind of drifted away as I grow older. But I guess he still cares about me. What he said is right. I know what I'm good at, and I've worked hard for years for it. Why throw it away and choose a totally different career just because I tripped along the way? I should try harder to get out of my comfort zone. He's leaving for Qatar soon. Poor Sandy jiejie, it's gonna be a long trip. But I hope I can be as brave as him. SPO, although meaningful, has totally nothing to do with what I've been doing. I should stop running away. On a sidenote, Prof actually has no qualms in accepting me. He in fact, wrote a full proposal and recommendation letter for me already. But still, it depends on the committee to offer me the grant or not. Take it? Or leave it? I actually know where my heart is, but simply waiting for the right time to reveal it. The time when Chance knocks at my door. It's going to be a marathon. I need to believe in what I chose.

               Everything said by anyone should be taken with a pinch of salt. That's what I've learnt so far. In the end, I'm the one who has to bear the responsibilities for the things that I've made decisions for. Just like what JayR kuya said: "Listen to your heart. You knew the answer long time ago, don't you?"

               I've learnt to let things go as well. Why make those things matter when you yourself don't really matter to those people? haha. I need to pray more. I think I slowly found my own way to get happier and happier.

Updates.

        Realised I didn't blog for quite some time. For about two months actually. What have I been up to? Well nothing much. Planned to go thailand. Didn't manage to go in the end. Went to malacca instead. Spent some time with family. Commencement. Finally graduated, but officially jobless. Pondering whether to continue phd or just start doing spo. Trying to get a part time job. Had a few reunions with different group of people. Sent Alex off. Frankly speaking, I have no clue I could really enjoy meeting these old friends again. Really happy. Hadn't been this happy since that incident.

       Of course, life is not perfect. It is tainted by squabbling contest with dad, and "don't contact me anymore" by someone else. Tried lotsa things to salvage the condition. As the saying goes, we'll only regret those things we never did, not those we've done, right? But of course, things don't always go my way, and as usual it didn't work.

        It seems as though I'm trying to make my own and others' lives difficult. I guess it's for myself. I don't wanna be cold-blooded. I don't want to regret again. When you allow things to fade away, it will just never come back? I don't know. But I'm really glad two of these individuals came back into my life. But somehow I feel lacking. Maybe I'm just greedy. For this one individual, I've decided to let go and let live. Dee's right. There's no difference between persistence and being irritating. It's just the process and consequence. However, I'm gonna live my life my own way. I'm not going to avoid anyone anymore. I'll just go whenever to meet whoever that is glad to see me.

       As for another person, twice we drifted apart. Is it really worth the shot? I don't know. But we'll see. But what I know is, I don't wanna be coward and wait for things to happen anymore. I'll ask straight in the face, not beat around the bush. But I sincerely hope things can go back as they were.

      My future. Do I love research? Is being SPO just an alternative for me to run away? I have no idea, yet. But I'll continue thinking. No matter what others say, I'm going to deal with my life, my way. It might not be the best way, but it's filled with Cynn's flavour. I must say, no matter how sucky I am, there are people who love me. I sincerely hope I'll hurt none of them now or in the future. I shall pray.

       Long post. Gotta stop writing. God, you hear me right? Amen.

Why.

I have no idea why I'm writing this post. I felt like I should write something. Say something. I survive best when I don't think. I should just lie down and enjoy the orchestra played by the thunderstorm. There're lotsa things that I can't comprehend, and has no way to do so, because I care. But care seems to be rather worthless if the people and things involved do not possess a mutual feeling. People tends to complicate things. I'm one of them. But when I really desire simple things in life, they seem to slip through my fingers, like sand does when we grip too strongly with our fists. Am I gripping too strongly? But I thought I've changed. I take steps backward. I try to see from other people's perspectives. I've compromised. Too egoistic? I'm afraid at the rate I'm going, there's no more pride that I could talk about. I am so, so, so tired of life. Feeling very angsty, very lost. What should I do? I used to be so full of myself I'm like a walking balloon. What I am now? A mere deflated, punctured balloon. Can I be mended, and fly into the sky freely again? Thoughts are too negative ("Be positive, Kexin!" says my shrink). Easier said than done? Not making any sense with what I write again. Think I need to take writing classes. Or listening classes? Or thinking classes? Haha.

p/s: Prison warden seems to be an intriguing job. I feel like if I want to help myself, i need to help someone.

Lost myself.

I feel even more at loss than I first started. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't communicate with my parents, especially with my dad. What do you expect from me, really? I thought what parents really hope for is for their children to be healthy and happy.

The Push.

Did I make a mistake beyond repair? Or it's just fate? Either way, perhaps this is a push for me to take step one out of comfort zone. I'm leaving, for real this time.

Forgive me.

So after all these shit, I realised I couldn't forgive anyone. Cause I couldn't forgive myself. I'm going to see you again, and say sorry. I don't know if you can hear it, I hope you can. I'm sorry there's so little I could do. I miss you. You took a piece of me when you left you know? We're supposed to graduate together. Three of us. A marine biologist, a neuroscientist, a polymer engineer. Why do you have to leave so early, so young?

The departure.

         When I was younger, mum used to bring me to the airport to look at planes taking off. At that rebellious juvenile stage, I don't really get the meaning of this "activity". Then I got older, got into lotsa hot soups, scratched and broke myself thoroughly. But I got to know a new word, a new word called goodbye. Some goodbyes will eventually lead you to a whole new beginning, some will just bring everything to an end. I can't really say I fancy saying goodbyes. I don't really get the meaning of "good" attaching to it. I will just dismiss that by turning around and wave with my back facing the people. It seems easier this way. I still wonder why my mum loves to see planes taking off. I hate it.

         Nearly forgotten the reason why I started writing this post. I've just finally finished my four years of education in NUS. There you go, season of leaving, of goodbyes. Got to know lotsa good people, some got closer, some just more distant. Some just left. Some re-entered my life. Finished FYP, did lotsa stunts, got crazy. More or less. Oh dear, I just couldn't write things in a proper way, could I? Haha. Sent Lauren off yesterday, reminded me how much I hate the airports.

          Anyway, thank you to everyone, friends, foes, acquaintances, strangers, you shaped me. For the friends, although I'm always a pain in the ass bastard, thank you for loving me, and if you know who you are, I love you guys too.  Being a friend of mine isn't an easy task. My craziness could drive anyone to the wall. Haha. I couldn't say a more proper goodbye, and I don't know when I would come back. No worries, I'll come back, the question to ask is when, but I have no answer for you right now, just as I have no answer of what I'm going to do for the next few infinite days. I'll definitely MIA for some time, but I'll be back. Don't bother to wait if you heck care, but if you do, I will thank you in advance. So... I have no idea how I'm going to end this post. It's starting to sound delirious.

p/s: I'll miss you, you, you, and you.
pp/s: Hope nothing changes too much when I come back.
ppp/s: I hope we're already friends.
pppp/s:俺が何時もついてるよ。

MIA,
Xin.

Tired.

距離が必要かもしれない。いや、距離は必要はずだ。

Near the end.

It seems that four years of uni life had gone in a flash. I miss you, you, and you. All of you. Those that have left. Those that stayed till the end. Those I've never met. Those I bumped into and wonder if we'll meet again. Adios.

A part of me wants everyone outta my life. Extreme silence. Another part of me is asking for help. Help to get out of this phase that I've not known in the past. Where am I? Who am I? What am I doing? Had the past 23years being just a character that I've played so damn well? God, have you heard my prayers? What the fuck am I doing right now?

Verge of Death

Had a panic attack. Came with asthma attack. No inhaler in hand. Lucky to survive? I'm at a new low. Very, very low.