どうしようかな。

Do you ever feel this way? Feeling as though you need to do something. Wanting to do it so, so badly. But your rationale is stopping you. What should I do?

Patience and Bravery.

               Day One of the neuroscience school. The lectures and practical were relatively enjoyable, since it's Dr Jan after all. If I pursue harder at that time, would I be happier in his lab? But there's no if I guess. All I could do is just... remember what he says about dreams. That research is never a sprint, it's a marathon. So take it slow but steady.

              Inability to communicate is lethal. Sigh. Take away my ego.

Haze and Gasp.

           Haze is really bad for health. Highest point probably more than 400. I dislike medicine. Side effects are more than the relief. On a sidenote, I planned to have KFC tonight. It's Friday after all. Today there are many surprises. An old friend is concerned about me. He too, talked to me. The warmth is almost unbearable. But unfortunately, my eyes are currently blocked by someone else. What follows expectation? Disappointment.

“不打擾，是我唯一可以送給你的禮物。”

Inhaler x 2.

         Thanks to the ever rising PSI, my asthma is back. Waliao. Never use inhaler now have to use inhaler. And the way the nurse looks at you and say "Girl, you must have it with you all the time ah." makes it sounds much more scarier. And as if one is not enough, I have two. Ugh.

            The one on the left is less urgent one. The one on the right is the scary one. Hmmm. Back to the daily medicated state again? BP 140/80. Hopefully it's cause my heart is working extra hard for lack of oxygen.

             " Things are better done alone, than to do it with people that wants nothing to do with you."

Player 2.

http://www.lifeinneon.com/games/Player2.html

      Go, click the url. It's not a virus apparently. It was sent to me by Alex. It's like a site where you can finally face your own fears. Or sadness. Can't say if it does any help, but it's kinda made me sad. Haha!

      Sometimes, even I myself wonder. Why am I caring about things that don't come with an ending. Maybe I'm looking for a closure. Maybe I'm still in limbo (again!). Truth is, no matter how much I joke in the crowd, I still don't feel too "well" most of the time. I am there, and it's like I'm not there. Heard two great songs today. "A Goose's Dream" and “爱我还是他”. Very touching renditions. Tired.

       "If distance is what you want, distance is what I'll give". However, like everything else in the world, it's easier said than done. How long more do I need? I'm so tired. I'm always tired. If only I could voyage the world without having any emotions. That will be great. Or will it be? Nah, I am just looking for closure. I think. Things haven't gone on smoothly lately. I feel like I'm all alone in this world.

The Break Up.

       What a sensational title. Not the kind that is in your mind right now though. I wonder if you could break up with your family? Like after a big quarrel, after big scuffle, literally a big fight. Do you become... not family anymore? What counts as a family? Your blood? Your surname? Loyalty? Or what? So let's assume that you can break up with a family member, I guess my parents have broken up with my uncle's family. At first I cried. Then I got tired. Then I got angry because I injured myself trying to split up the fight. Then in the end I feel like heck care edy. Because I think it's laughable. It's family isn't it? How did you intend to end this? I thought family means till death do us part?

         I am getting so damn tired with all the drama in my life. Was listening to Cloudy about a senior's engagement. Why don't I get something like that? LoL. Instead everyday I integrate to the surrounding. Doing things that people usually don't do. Things that result in a result. LoL. Speaking of results, I've got a B+! Yay~ Scholarship secure~ Lalala~ And to my dearest friend, I am so happy with your news. Can't wait for it to happen! Love you always~ Okay this post is getting random. Time to go do experiment. Sigh.

p/s: Can't even remember how to calculate dilution. Seriously? SERIOUSLY? @.@

In Shadows.

            So I was saying, I took a first step out. You see, sometimes I felt as though I came from another planet. I have very different moral stand with people. For instance, giving out present. I loathe buying present. Because I loathe to see the look of disappointment or despise or unsatisfactory façade on other people, which I perceive sharply. Like a kick to the back of my head. So I always give presents in secret. And you have to matter enough (and also I need to know what you probably really really wanted) to me for me to go through the hassle of buying, hiding it, and not being there when you see it. So about the price, if I gave you this present, of course I have assessed that you are valuable enough for me to pay this price for your present, that will make you happy. But when you asked me if you could pay me back, how much lower is my status in your mind? Sigh. At least you're very happy. I think. I hope.

               Second thing. It is always hilarious to me that people think I'm extreme extrovert or something. Simply because I speak things out. One, I only speak things like rubbish and work- related stuffs. Rubbish because it's the kind of humour I assumed I have (smartass!) and work- related because duh, I need to work to feed myself. And so I dare to speak in the crowd. To people. But have you ever really see me telling you how I feel about you (the listener)? I don't. I am shy. I am borderline intro/extrovert. I am me. I am egoistic. And so for the things that matter the most, I could only be in the shadows. Like a coward. But if you reach out to me, I will talk. I just don't know how to start talking. It is funny how I should feel when the whole room is laughing at how lame I am, but I can't make the ones that matter really listen.

                I'm not expecting anything. It's just drama in my own head, that one day I could make people understand. That deep beneath those lameness, could you really see who I am? But it's fine. One day, one fine day. Either I leave first or vice versa. Why pine on something impossible? What's the point of being angry when you're angry because your voice can't be heard through your actions?

                    Alcohol is indeed a great discovery. Or invention. Anything. At the very least, others are happy. I hope. I try.