Loss.

        It's been a hectic week. A call received on Tuesday morning (160413). The kind that I disliked the most. The rush back home. The long wait. The anger and frustration. The responsibility. The lack of sleep. The decision. The last breath in front of me. The uncontrollable fits of cries. The extreme fatigue. The duties. The end. All in one week. It's as though I've aged ten years in a week.

        Then we're back to normal cycle of life. Wake up, study, eat, shit, shower, sleep. As though nothing has happened at all. I dare not think, for I'm afraid of my own thoughts. 

        And because I don't want to burden anyone with my relentless repeats of how miserable I feel, I tried to talk about other stuffs. Then I realised, there's nothing else I want to say. So I become quiet. Mindless. And carrying around air so heavy I can't breathe. The one person I hope to be by my side will never be. The only yearning. Never mind, life goes on.

Nothingness.

      I've always wondered. Is everyone the same in every corner of this world? Someone out there that's like me. Someone that has lost a certain motivation, a kind of momentum that propels you forward. I've literally became the man who can't be moved. I can't figure out what's wrong.

      I was never the shadow. Never the bench-warmer. I'm always offering myself. Enjoying the limelight. Whatever. Now all I want to do is to hide under my blanket. Willing the time to pass. Willing my tomorrows be lesser than yesterdays. It's wrong isn't it. Am I not at an age whereby I fight fiercely for my dreams? Am I not at an age whereby I run so quickly, without stopping, even when my chest is panting for breath, hurts like acid is poured into my lungs as I run (not that I know how that feels, just think that it probably hurts like Hades). Moving. Not static. What is wrong? I stare at my lecture notes, my journals, my unfinished literature review. The only time I feel like oh I'm moving is when I'm doing labwork. When I see the cells under the microscope. Other than that, I'm no different from any person that lived in Bedlam before. Simply staring into the space and allow time to pass. I'm scared. But I'm not scared enough to move. What should I do?