Player 2.

http://www.lifeinneon.com/games/Player2.html

      Go, click the url. It's not a virus apparently. It was sent to me by Alex. It's like a site where you can finally face your own fears. Or sadness. Can't say if it does any help, but it's kinda made me sad. Haha!

      Sometimes, even I myself wonder. Why am I caring about things that don't come with an ending. Maybe I'm looking for a closure. Maybe I'm still in limbo (again!). Truth is, no matter how much I joke in the crowd, I still don't feel too "well" most of the time. I am there, and it's like I'm not there. Heard two great songs today. "A Goose's Dream" and “爱我还是他”. Very touching renditions. Tired.

       "If distance is what you want, distance is what I'll give". However, like everything else in the world, it's easier said than done. How long more do I need? I'm so tired. I'm always tired. If only I could voyage the world without having any emotions. That will be great. Or will it be? Nah, I am just looking for closure. I think. Things haven't gone on smoothly lately. I feel like I'm all alone in this world.

The Break Up.

       What a sensational title. Not the kind that is in your mind right now though. I wonder if you could break up with your family? Like after a big quarrel, after big scuffle, literally a big fight. Do you become... not family anymore? What counts as a family? Your blood? Your surname? Loyalty? Or what? So let's assume that you can break up with a family member, I guess my parents have broken up with my uncle's family. At first I cried. Then I got tired. Then I got angry because I injured myself trying to split up the fight. Then in the end I feel like heck care edy. Because I think it's laughable. It's family isn't it? How did you intend to end this? I thought family means till death do us part?

         I am getting so damn tired with all the drama in my life. Was listening to Cloudy about a senior's engagement. Why don't I get something like that? LoL. Instead everyday I integrate to the surrounding. Doing things that people usually don't do. Things that result in a result. LoL. Speaking of results, I've got a B+! Yay~ Scholarship secure~ Lalala~ And to my dearest friend, I am so happy with your news. Can't wait for it to happen! Love you always~ Okay this post is getting random. Time to go do experiment. Sigh.

p/s: Can't even remember how to calculate dilution. Seriously? SERIOUSLY? @.@

In Shadows.

            So I was saying, I took a first step out. You see, sometimes I felt as though I came from another planet. I have very different moral stand with people. For instance, giving out present. I loathe buying present. Because I loathe to see the look of disappointment or despise or unsatisfactory façade on other people, which I perceive sharply. Like a kick to the back of my head. So I always give presents in secret. And you have to matter enough (and also I need to know what you probably really really wanted) to me for me to go through the hassle of buying, hiding it, and not being there when you see it. So about the price, if I gave you this present, of course I have assessed that you are valuable enough for me to pay this price for your present, that will make you happy. But when you asked me if you could pay me back, how much lower is my status in your mind? Sigh. At least you're very happy. I think. I hope.

               Second thing. It is always hilarious to me that people think I'm extreme extrovert or something. Simply because I speak things out. One, I only speak things like rubbish and work- related stuffs. Rubbish because it's the kind of humour I assumed I have (smartass!) and work- related because duh, I need to work to feed myself. And so I dare to speak in the crowd. To people. But have you ever really see me telling you how I feel about you (the listener)? I don't. I am shy. I am borderline intro/extrovert. I am me. I am egoistic. And so for the things that matter the most, I could only be in the shadows. Like a coward. But if you reach out to me, I will talk. I just don't know how to start talking. It is funny how I should feel when the whole room is laughing at how lame I am, but I can't make the ones that matter really listen.

                I'm not expecting anything. It's just drama in my own head, that one day I could make people understand. That deep beneath those lameness, could you really see who I am? But it's fine. One day, one fine day. Either I leave first or vice versa. Why pine on something impossible? What's the point of being angry when you're angry because your voice can't be heard through your actions?

                    Alcohol is indeed a great discovery. Or invention. Anything. At the very least, others are happy. I hope. I try.

   

Thoughts.

   Today someone told me, to let things take their own courses,  and to be less persistent with my own views. I said, if I take a step back, will I get hurt again?  If that's so I rather be a selfish bastard. Because I'm really too vulnerable. But today I took a step out. Will I get a blow in my face? Sigh.

Moving.. On/ Out?

      Finally done with exam and settled everything before realising, "OMG, I have no place to stay in 2 weeks time @.@". Oh wells, in the end I found a new place at Tiong Bahru. It really is very nice, albeit little small. Lotsa food at the surrounding though. Hopefully can live peacefully in it for another 2 years, maybe more. Hehe.

      Spent 3 days in SGH. At first, it was rather intimidating. Closed labs, long corridor, strangers. But after a few days, people there are rather nice. Transformation worked but yield lesser than what I hoped for. Hopefully it's a  "small leaves big carrot" situation. 

      Going back Gram's in a few hours time. Can I still call it Gram's when she's no longer there? Hmmm.. Who cares. She's always there.

       No longer awkward, but still silent. As I have always said, "It's like a magical spell. To break it, you will need the caster.". I don't think the caster in my situation is willing to do so. In fact, I think I'm just an annoying flea that the caster could not kill because it's against the animal  act or something. It sucks. But so be it.  We're all stuck here in this teeny weeny world anyway.

       We'll all learn to be happy for ourselves, in our own ways. But I guess I'm still here, waiting. Waiting for what? No idea, but there's no where else to go anyway.

p/s: I'm going to sign up for aikido lessons, with brother maybe. So that we can spend some time together and it's good for us =D

Loss.

        It's been a hectic week. A call received on Tuesday morning (160413). The kind that I disliked the most. The rush back home. The long wait. The anger and frustration. The responsibility. The lack of sleep. The decision. The last breath in front of me. The uncontrollable fits of cries. The extreme fatigue. The duties. The end. All in one week. It's as though I've aged ten years in a week.

        Then we're back to normal cycle of life. Wake up, study, eat, shit, shower, sleep. As though nothing has happened at all. I dare not think, for I'm afraid of my own thoughts. 

        And because I don't want to burden anyone with my relentless repeats of how miserable I feel, I tried to talk about other stuffs. Then I realised, there's nothing else I want to say. So I become quiet. Mindless. And carrying around air so heavy I can't breathe. The one person I hope to be by my side will never be. The only yearning. Never mind, life goes on.

Nothingness.

      I've always wondered. Is everyone the same in every corner of this world? Someone out there that's like me. Someone that has lost a certain motivation, a kind of momentum that propels you forward. I've literally became the man who can't be moved. I can't figure out what's wrong.

      I was never the shadow. Never the bench-warmer. I'm always offering myself. Enjoying the limelight. Whatever. Now all I want to do is to hide under my blanket. Willing the time to pass. Willing my tomorrows be lesser than yesterdays. It's wrong isn't it. Am I not at an age whereby I fight fiercely for my dreams? Am I not at an age whereby I run so quickly, without stopping, even when my chest is panting for breath, hurts like acid is poured into my lungs as I run (not that I know how that feels, just think that it probably hurts like Hades). Moving. Not static. What is wrong? I stare at my lecture notes, my journals, my unfinished literature review. The only time I feel like oh I'm moving is when I'm doing labwork. When I see the cells under the microscope. Other than that, I'm no different from any person that lived in Bedlam before. Simply staring into the space and allow time to pass. I'm scared. But I'm not scared enough to move. What should I do?