Thoughts.

   Today someone told me, to let things take their own courses,  and to be less persistent with my own views. I said, if I take a step back, will I get hurt again?  If that's so I rather be a selfish bastard. Because I'm really too vulnerable. But today I took a step out. Will I get a blow in my face? Sigh.

Moving.. On/ Out?

      Finally done with exam and settled everything before realising, "OMG, I have no place to stay in 2 weeks time @.@". Oh wells, in the end I found a new place at Tiong Bahru. It really is very nice, albeit little small. Lotsa food at the surrounding though. Hopefully can live peacefully in it for another 2 years, maybe more. Hehe.

      Spent 3 days in SGH. At first, it was rather intimidating. Closed labs, long corridor, strangers. But after a few days, people there are rather nice. Transformation worked but yield lesser than what I hoped for. Hopefully it's a  "small leaves big carrot" situation. 

      Going back Gram's in a few hours time. Can I still call it Gram's when she's no longer there? Hmmm.. Who cares. She's always there.

       No longer awkward, but still silent. As I have always said, "It's like a magical spell. To break it, you will need the caster.". I don't think the caster in my situation is willing to do so. In fact, I think I'm just an annoying flea that the caster could not kill because it's against the animal  act or something. It sucks. But so be it.  We're all stuck here in this teeny weeny world anyway.

       We'll all learn to be happy for ourselves, in our own ways. But I guess I'm still here, waiting. Waiting for what? No idea, but there's no where else to go anyway.

p/s: I'm going to sign up for aikido lessons, with brother maybe. So that we can spend some time together and it's good for us =D

Loss.

        It's been a hectic week. A call received on Tuesday morning (160413). The kind that I disliked the most. The rush back home. The long wait. The anger and frustration. The responsibility. The lack of sleep. The decision. The last breath in front of me. The uncontrollable fits of cries. The extreme fatigue. The duties. The end. All in one week. It's as though I've aged ten years in a week.

        Then we're back to normal cycle of life. Wake up, study, eat, shit, shower, sleep. As though nothing has happened at all. I dare not think, for I'm afraid of my own thoughts. 

        And because I don't want to burden anyone with my relentless repeats of how miserable I feel, I tried to talk about other stuffs. Then I realised, there's nothing else I want to say. So I become quiet. Mindless. And carrying around air so heavy I can't breathe. The one person I hope to be by my side will never be. The only yearning. Never mind, life goes on.

Nothingness.

      I've always wondered. Is everyone the same in every corner of this world? Someone out there that's like me. Someone that has lost a certain motivation, a kind of momentum that propels you forward. I've literally became the man who can't be moved. I can't figure out what's wrong.

      I was never the shadow. Never the bench-warmer. I'm always offering myself. Enjoying the limelight. Whatever. Now all I want to do is to hide under my blanket. Willing the time to pass. Willing my tomorrows be lesser than yesterdays. It's wrong isn't it. Am I not at an age whereby I fight fiercely for my dreams? Am I not at an age whereby I run so quickly, without stopping, even when my chest is panting for breath, hurts like acid is poured into my lungs as I run (not that I know how that feels, just think that it probably hurts like Hades). Moving. Not static. What is wrong? I stare at my lecture notes, my journals, my unfinished literature review. The only time I feel like oh I'm moving is when I'm doing labwork. When I see the cells under the microscope. Other than that, I'm no different from any person that lived in Bedlam before. Simply staring into the space and allow time to pass. I'm scared. But I'm not scared enough to move. What should I do?

None of my business.

        It had been a week full of turmoil and emotional roller coaster. But hey, it's not about me. First it's the kids' posters day. Looking at them, being gancheong for them. Some get heck-cares by mentor. Some heck-care themselves. I must have looked like one of them last year. Before I turn my back and jump into the abyss anyway. While being around for the kids, I started to reminiscence. About how things were one year back. And how things are now. Anyway in the end everyone survived. And hooray! But none of my business since none of them is my student anyway.

         Then here comes my CA. I have nothing to talk about this actually. Just read through go through take CA. Yahoo. Won't fail I guess. And oh yeah, the stats assignment. I'm not done with it yet. Sigh.

          And at this time of the week you'll think that everything is going really well, right? With the long weekend creeping in. And I thought the ambience in lab was really amicable this week.

          I realised I can't write a word. About how I feel. Because the whole thing is really none of my business and no big deal. But I feel so shit, so shit, that I don't have any adjectives to describe my feeling. So I use a noun, shit. I feel like a pile of dung. Shit. Feces. Excrement. Whatever. But all I remember and all I know is I did nothing to deserve this. But here comes those optimists, it's not about you, you know. People make their own choices. You know they said when you meet with shit stuffs outside, you could go home. But not for me eh? I'm too scared to go home. Because going home always disappoints me. But guess what, staying right here disappoints me to the core too.

           But hey, I learnt something. It doesn't matter if you stop expecting stop asking anything from a person. Sometimes your mere presence irks the person. What can I ask for really? Friendship is the most worthless thing ever, because it doesn't mean anything, it doesn't give you right to feel anything, it isn't bound by anything, promises, whatever. Anything. So when we could choose the role we want to play, being a douche suddenly seems to be the best idea ever. Because whatever.

沉默。

沉默。

我喜歡你什麼 ，為何我總是不說？
你討厭我什麼 ，你從來顯得淡默。

我只能喜歡沉默。在暗夜裡我獨自遊走。我討厭被捆綁，反鎖，漆黑中摸索。哭有什麼用？
我只能保持沉默。在暗夜裡我跟著影子走。躲有沒有用？沒有用。
我們都習慣沉默。享受暗夜裡一個人遊走。誰喜歡被捆綁。反鎖。漆黑中摸索？哭根本沒有用。
你為何選擇沉默？為何暗夜裡不讓我跟你走? 不想被你遺忘。躲也沒有用。

沉沒吧。沒必要一直是拉扯的。等誰先開口說， 卻沒下落 。

Long time no hear nice chinese song. Not bad.

Grow up.

Growing up. It meant lots of different things to different people. Learnt a new word today. Multifarious. Apt for that sentence. Haha, okay that's lame. You know today I realised something. I realised growing up means, it's hard to care for someone. But, it is so much harder to pretend you don't care, when that is all you want to do in the world. Why can't my life be easier? Why can't I be more honest? What have I got to lose? Before I lose anything, I've lost everything already.