Friday, February 22, 2013
Grow up.
Growing up. It meant lots of different things to different people. Learnt a new word today. Multifarious. Apt for that sentence. Haha, okay that's lame. You know today I realised something. I realised growing up means, it's hard to care for someone. But, it is so much harder to pretend you don't care, when that is all you want to do in the world. Why can't my life be easier? Why can't I be more honest? What have I got to lose? Before I lose anything, I've lost everything already.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Pep-talk.
Chinese New Year passed by in a glimpse. It was peaceful, enjoyable, though not that exciting anymore. Guess I ain't that young anymore eh? Soon it's the most commercialised festival of the year, Valentine's Day. None of my business, really. Then it's my "day", which I can't help but feeling like to avoid it. Not cause I fear the ageing, nope. Just an awkward day where everyone is awkward. Just another day.
Forgotten why I started this post. Hmmm.. Oh I just finished climbing 26 floors at one go. Bad stamina really, but going to persevere and hope I can get fitter. Then..? Maybe train alongside Bro before he joins the army. Sometimes I feel sorry for him, cause I just can't be like those gentle, caring, demure sisters depicted in every possible scenarios. But I'm me, so bad luck for you, Bro.
The post is called pep-talk. So I guess I'm gonna pep-talk myself. I'm 24, not much achievements up-to-date except for a degree in hand. That's all really. And I've been wasting the past 9 months wallowing in self-pity, initially because I don't understand, followed by "Oh.." and then "Should I..."... and these sorts of stuffs. But after tested very discreetly (at least IMHO) for a few times, I agreed that I think too much. Borrowing a statement from a friend, that's not my fruit tree. Not only that, don't think the tree even flower (for me) in the first place. Must have mistaken some other people's tree as my own. Ah, it must be a 桜木, only for admiring. Touche.
So despite warnings like "You're gonna regret if you never try", "Why can't you just forsake your ego and be honest?" and stuffs like that, I still am not gonna try. Why? Call me a coward. Or nothing. But not going to do anything doesn't mean that I completely eliminated the tree. I just allow it to grow at some hidden place, so that one day if the tree intends to flower, I'll still be there. Hopeless much? Whatever. (I've been using whatever a lot lately. I always think it's rude. Maybe I'm getting rude.) On a side note, I don't understand why people act out of courtesy. Not that I'm asking people to be rude. But under private scenarios, maybe people can try and well, be sincere, rather than courteous.
Now, I know that I've been static for months. I need to move forward. I need to know why I chose this path in the first place. I need to recover my passion. So from now on, watch me. I'm going to warm you with passion. I'm going to keep searching, because my dream is to be a researcher. Someone said to me, it's a marathon. So instead of burning out, I'm going to do it a step at a time, warming myself. There's this picture I saw that day, the difference between 0.99 and 1.01. There you go, I'm going to step out of my shell and give that extra 0.01 everyday. ファイト！
Forgotten why I started this post. Hmmm.. Oh I just finished climbing 26 floors at one go. Bad stamina really, but going to persevere and hope I can get fitter. Then..? Maybe train alongside Bro before he joins the army. Sometimes I feel sorry for him, cause I just can't be like those gentle, caring, demure sisters depicted in every possible scenarios. But I'm me, so bad luck for you, Bro.
The post is called pep-talk. So I guess I'm gonna pep-talk myself. I'm 24, not much achievements up-to-date except for a degree in hand. That's all really. And I've been wasting the past 9 months wallowing in self-pity, initially because I don't understand, followed by "Oh.." and then "Should I..."... and these sorts of stuffs. But after tested very discreetly (at least IMHO) for a few times, I agreed that I think too much. Borrowing a statement from a friend, that's not my fruit tree. Not only that, don't think the tree even flower (for me) in the first place. Must have mistaken some other people's tree as my own. Ah, it must be a 桜木, only for admiring. Touche.
So despite warnings like "You're gonna regret if you never try", "Why can't you just forsake your ego and be honest?" and stuffs like that, I still am not gonna try. Why? Call me a coward. Or nothing. But not going to do anything doesn't mean that I completely eliminated the tree. I just allow it to grow at some hidden place, so that one day if the tree intends to flower, I'll still be there. Hopeless much? Whatever. (I've been using whatever a lot lately. I always think it's rude. Maybe I'm getting rude.) On a side note, I don't understand why people act out of courtesy. Not that I'm asking people to be rude. But under private scenarios, maybe people can try and well, be sincere, rather than courteous.
Now, I know that I've been static for months. I need to move forward. I need to know why I chose this path in the first place. I need to recover my passion. So from now on, watch me. I'm going to warm you with passion. I'm going to keep searching, because my dream is to be a researcher. Someone said to me, it's a marathon. So instead of burning out, I'm going to do it a step at a time, warming myself. There's this picture I saw that day, the difference between 0.99 and 1.01. There you go, I'm going to step out of my shell and give that extra 0.01 everyday. ファイト！
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Poem.
“Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it
Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.
Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three a.m. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly
That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
What a poem.
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it
Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.
Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three a.m. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly
That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
What a poem.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Updates.
I am becoming a phantom. Not that it matters a lot, but me, a phantom. It's like I've became invisible. I feel awful. I'm still trying to figure out the proper SOPs/ modus operandi/ whatever you call it. I need to settle and precipitate something out. I think.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Crossroads.
Being out of stuffs to write, I've left this place dusty and filled with spiderwebs (Ewww) for some time. The truth is, my life nowadays is so mundane, and full of uncertainties, that I really don't know what to talk about.
Once again, I'm back to the F&B field, working at O'Briens as a sandwich crew. The experience is generally fun, got to know lotsa ppl, kuyas and parehs from philipinnes and many from malaysia as well. Not much to talk about here, apart from a freakingly irritating colleague that seems to be able to be the pain in my ass every second I see her. I find her quite pitiful actually, if not for the fact she keeps annoying me. Anyway, don't let her taint my blog. This job, apart from offering me a break from being constantly a penniless bummer, also allows me to learn quite few stuffs. How different everyone can be, how friendly Filipinos are, how to deal with difficult people, how to understand that some people didn't choose these roads, they simply don't have the power to choose. Most of them are uni graduates!!! I am one of the few lucky ones, I must say. Thank God, thank parents. This job brings me to the earth, how I had led a rather luxurious life, where 1.3k is actually sufficient for them, but barely covered my expenses @.@ One thing I must do before I leave, I'm going to email the boss of O'briens, and tell him what I've observed. And of course, some farewell gifts for those who has helped me =)
I was rather surprised my whole family came to find me during Raya. So happy. At night, Jiayong korkor actually talked to me. I remember him to dote on me a lot when I was still young, but we kind of drifted away as I grow older. But I guess he still cares about me. What he said is right. I know what I'm good at, and I've worked hard for years for it. Why throw it away and choose a totally different career just because I tripped along the way? I should try harder to get out of my comfort zone. He's leaving for Qatar soon. Poor Sandy jiejie, it's gonna be a long trip. But I hope I can be as brave as him. SPO, although meaningful, has totally nothing to do with what I've been doing. I should stop running away. On a sidenote, Prof actually has no qualms in accepting me. He in fact, wrote a full proposal and recommendation letter for me already. But still, it depends on the committee to offer me the grant or not. Take it? Or leave it? I actually know where my heart is, but simply waiting for the right time to reveal it. The time when Chance knocks at my door. It's going to be a marathon. I need to believe in what I chose.
Everything said by anyone should be taken with a pinch of salt. That's what I've learnt so far. In the end, I'm the one who has to bear the responsibilities for the things that I've made decisions for. Just like what JayR kuya said: "Listen to your heart. You knew the answer long time ago, don't you?"
I've learnt to let things go as well. Why make those things matter when you yourself don't really matter to those people? haha. I need to pray more. I think I slowly found my own way to get happier and happier.
Once again, I'm back to the F&B field, working at O'Briens as a sandwich crew. The experience is generally fun, got to know lotsa ppl, kuyas and parehs from philipinnes and many from malaysia as well. Not much to talk about here, apart from a freakingly irritating colleague that seems to be able to be the pain in my ass every second I see her. I find her quite pitiful actually, if not for the fact she keeps annoying me. Anyway, don't let her taint my blog. This job, apart from offering me a break from being constantly a penniless bummer, also allows me to learn quite few stuffs. How different everyone can be, how friendly Filipinos are, how to deal with difficult people, how to understand that some people didn't choose these roads, they simply don't have the power to choose. Most of them are uni graduates!!! I am one of the few lucky ones, I must say. Thank God, thank parents. This job brings me to the earth, how I had led a rather luxurious life, where 1.3k is actually sufficient for them, but barely covered my expenses @.@ One thing I must do before I leave, I'm going to email the boss of O'briens, and tell him what I've observed. And of course, some farewell gifts for those who has helped me =)
I was rather surprised my whole family came to find me during Raya. So happy. At night, Jiayong korkor actually talked to me. I remember him to dote on me a lot when I was still young, but we kind of drifted away as I grow older. But I guess he still cares about me. What he said is right. I know what I'm good at, and I've worked hard for years for it. Why throw it away and choose a totally different career just because I tripped along the way? I should try harder to get out of my comfort zone. He's leaving for Qatar soon. Poor Sandy jiejie, it's gonna be a long trip. But I hope I can be as brave as him. SPO, although meaningful, has totally nothing to do with what I've been doing. I should stop running away. On a sidenote, Prof actually has no qualms in accepting me. He in fact, wrote a full proposal and recommendation letter for me already. But still, it depends on the committee to offer me the grant or not. Take it? Or leave it? I actually know where my heart is, but simply waiting for the right time to reveal it. The time when Chance knocks at my door. It's going to be a marathon. I need to believe in what I chose.
Everything said by anyone should be taken with a pinch of salt. That's what I've learnt so far. In the end, I'm the one who has to bear the responsibilities for the things that I've made decisions for. Just like what JayR kuya said: "Listen to your heart. You knew the answer long time ago, don't you?"
I've learnt to let things go as well. Why make those things matter when you yourself don't really matter to those people? haha. I need to pray more. I think I slowly found my own way to get happier and happier.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Updates.
Realised I didn't blog for quite some time. For about two months actually. What have I been up to? Well nothing much. Planned to go thailand. Didn't manage to go in the end. Went to malacca instead. Spent some time with family. Commencement. Finally graduated, but officially jobless. Pondering whether to continue phd or just start doing spo. Trying to get a part time job. Had a few reunions with different group of people. Sent Alex off. Frankly speaking, I have no clue I could really enjoy meeting these old friends again. Really happy. Hadn't been this happy since that incident.
Of course, life is not perfect. It is tainted by squabbling contest with dad, and "don't contact me anymore" by someone else. Tried lotsa things to salvage the condition. As the saying goes, we'll only regret those things we never did, not those we've done, right? But of course, things don't always go my way, and as usual it didn't work.
It seems as though I'm trying to make my own and others' lives difficult. I guess it's for myself. I don't wanna be cold-blooded. I don't want to regret again. When you allow things to fade away, it will just never come back? I don't know. But I'm really glad two of these individuals came back into my life. But somehow I feel lacking. Maybe I'm just greedy. For this one individual, I've decided to let go and let live. Dee's right. There's no difference between persistence and being irritating. It's just the process and consequence. However, I'm gonna live my life my own way. I'm not going to avoid anyone anymore. I'll just go whenever to meet whoever that is glad to see me.
As for another person, twice we drifted apart. Is it really worth the shot? I don't know. But we'll see. But what I know is, I don't wanna be coward and wait for things to happen anymore. I'll ask straight in the face, not beat around the bush. But I sincerely hope things can go back as they were.
My future. Do I love research? Is being SPO just an alternative for me to run away? I have no idea, yet. But I'll continue thinking. No matter what others say, I'm going to deal with my life, my way. It might not be the best way, but it's filled with Cynn's flavour. I must say, no matter how sucky I am, there are people who love me. I sincerely hope I'll hurt none of them now or in the future. I shall pray.
Long post. Gotta stop writing. God, you hear me right? Amen.
Of course, life is not perfect. It is tainted by squabbling contest with dad, and "don't contact me anymore" by someone else. Tried lotsa things to salvage the condition. As the saying goes, we'll only regret those things we never did, not those we've done, right? But of course, things don't always go my way, and as usual it didn't work.
It seems as though I'm trying to make my own and others' lives difficult. I guess it's for myself. I don't wanna be cold-blooded. I don't want to regret again. When you allow things to fade away, it will just never come back? I don't know. But I'm really glad two of these individuals came back into my life. But somehow I feel lacking. Maybe I'm just greedy. For this one individual, I've decided to let go and let live. Dee's right. There's no difference between persistence and being irritating. It's just the process and consequence. However, I'm gonna live my life my own way. I'm not going to avoid anyone anymore. I'll just go whenever to meet whoever that is glad to see me.
As for another person, twice we drifted apart. Is it really worth the shot? I don't know. But we'll see. But what I know is, I don't wanna be coward and wait for things to happen anymore. I'll ask straight in the face, not beat around the bush. But I sincerely hope things can go back as they were.
My future. Do I love research? Is being SPO just an alternative for me to run away? I have no idea, yet. But I'll continue thinking. No matter what others say, I'm going to deal with my life, my way. It might not be the best way, but it's filled with Cynn's flavour. I must say, no matter how sucky I am, there are people who love me. I sincerely hope I'll hurt none of them now or in the future. I shall pray.
Long post. Gotta stop writing. God, you hear me right? Amen.
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