Updates.

        Realised I didn't blog for quite some time. For about two months actually. What have I been up to? Well nothing much. Planned to go thailand. Didn't manage to go in the end. Went to malacca instead. Spent some time with family. Commencement. Finally graduated, but officially jobless. Pondering whether to continue phd or just start doing spo. Trying to get a part time job. Had a few reunions with different group of people. Sent Alex off. Frankly speaking, I have no clue I could really enjoy meeting these old friends again. Really happy. Hadn't been this happy since that incident.

       Of course, life is not perfect. It is tainted by squabbling contest with dad, and "don't contact me anymore" by someone else. Tried lotsa things to salvage the condition. As the saying goes, we'll only regret those things we never did, not those we've done, right? But of course, things don't always go my way, and as usual it didn't work.

        It seems as though I'm trying to make my own and others' lives difficult. I guess it's for myself. I don't wanna be cold-blooded. I don't want to regret again. When you allow things to fade away, it will just never come back? I don't know. But I'm really glad two of these individuals came back into my life. But somehow I feel lacking. Maybe I'm just greedy. For this one individual, I've decided to let go and let live. Dee's right. There's no difference between persistence and being irritating. It's just the process and consequence. However, I'm gonna live my life my own way. I'm not going to avoid anyone anymore. I'll just go whenever to meet whoever that is glad to see me.

       As for another person, twice we drifted apart. Is it really worth the shot? I don't know. But we'll see. But what I know is, I don't wanna be coward and wait for things to happen anymore. I'll ask straight in the face, not beat around the bush. But I sincerely hope things can go back as they were.

      My future. Do I love research? Is being SPO just an alternative for me to run away? I have no idea, yet. But I'll continue thinking. No matter what others say, I'm going to deal with my life, my way. It might not be the best way, but it's filled with Cynn's flavour. I must say, no matter how sucky I am, there are people who love me. I sincerely hope I'll hurt none of them now or in the future. I shall pray.

       Long post. Gotta stop writing. God, you hear me right? Amen.

Why.

I have no idea why I'm writing this post. I felt like I should write something. Say something. I survive best when I don't think. I should just lie down and enjoy the orchestra played by the thunderstorm. There're lotsa things that I can't comprehend, and has no way to do so, because I care. But care seems to be rather worthless if the people and things involved do not possess a mutual feeling. People tends to complicate things. I'm one of them. But when I really desire simple things in life, they seem to slip through my fingers, like sand does when we grip too strongly with our fists. Am I gripping too strongly? But I thought I've changed. I take steps backward. I try to see from other people's perspectives. I've compromised. Too egoistic? I'm afraid at the rate I'm going, there's no more pride that I could talk about. I am so, so, so tired of life. Feeling very angsty, very lost. What should I do? I used to be so full of myself I'm like a walking balloon. What I am now? A mere deflated, punctured balloon. Can I be mended, and fly into the sky freely again? Thoughts are too negative ("Be positive, Kexin!" says my shrink). Easier said than done? Not making any sense with what I write again. Think I need to take writing classes. Or listening classes? Or thinking classes? Haha.

p/s: Prison warden seems to be an intriguing job. I feel like if I want to help myself, i need to help someone.

Lost myself.

I feel even more at loss than I first started. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't communicate with my parents, especially with my dad. What do you expect from me, really? I thought what parents really hope for is for their children to be healthy and happy.

The Push.

Did I make a mistake beyond repair? Or it's just fate? Either way, perhaps this is a push for me to take step one out of comfort zone. I'm leaving, for real this time.

Forgive me.

So after all these shit, I realised I couldn't forgive anyone. Cause I couldn't forgive myself. I'm going to see you again, and say sorry. I don't know if you can hear it, I hope you can. I'm sorry there's so little I could do. I miss you. You took a piece of me when you left you know? We're supposed to graduate together. Three of us. A marine biologist, a neuroscientist, a polymer engineer. Why do you have to leave so early, so young?

The departure.

         When I was younger, mum used to bring me to the airport to look at planes taking off. At that rebellious juvenile stage, I don't really get the meaning of this "activity". Then I got older, got into lotsa hot soups, scratched and broke myself thoroughly. But I got to know a new word, a new word called goodbye. Some goodbyes will eventually lead you to a whole new beginning, some will just bring everything to an end. I can't really say I fancy saying goodbyes. I don't really get the meaning of "good" attaching to it. I will just dismiss that by turning around and wave with my back facing the people. It seems easier this way. I still wonder why my mum loves to see planes taking off. I hate it.

         Nearly forgotten the reason why I started writing this post. I've just finally finished my four years of education in NUS. There you go, season of leaving, of goodbyes. Got to know lotsa good people, some got closer, some just more distant. Some just left. Some re-entered my life. Finished FYP, did lotsa stunts, got crazy. More or less. Oh dear, I just couldn't write things in a proper way, could I? Haha. Sent Lauren off yesterday, reminded me how much I hate the airports.

          Anyway, thank you to everyone, friends, foes, acquaintances, strangers, you shaped me. For the friends, although I'm always a pain in the ass bastard, thank you for loving me, and if you know who you are, I love you guys too.  Being a friend of mine isn't an easy task. My craziness could drive anyone to the wall. Haha. I couldn't say a more proper goodbye, and I don't know when I would come back. No worries, I'll come back, the question to ask is when, but I have no answer for you right now, just as I have no answer of what I'm going to do for the next few infinite days. I'll definitely MIA for some time, but I'll be back. Don't bother to wait if you heck care, but if you do, I will thank you in advance. So... I have no idea how I'm going to end this post. It's starting to sound delirious.

p/s: I'll miss you, you, you, and you.
pp/s: Hope nothing changes too much when I come back.
ppp/s: I hope we're already friends.
pppp/s:俺が何時もついてるよ。

MIA,
Xin.

Tired.

距離が必要かもしれない。いや、距離は必要はずだ。