どうしようかな。

Do you ever feel this way? Feeling as though you need to do something. Wanting to do it so, so badly. But your rationale is stopping you. What should I do?

Patience and Bravery.

               Day One of the neuroscience school. The lectures and practical were relatively enjoyable, since it's Dr Jan after all. If I pursue harder at that time, would I be happier in his lab? But there's no if I guess. All I could do is just... remember what he says about dreams. That research is never a sprint, it's a marathon. So take it slow but steady.

              Inability to communicate is lethal. Sigh. Take away my ego.

Haze and Gasp.

           Haze is really bad for health. Highest point probably more than 400. I dislike medicine. Side effects are more than the relief. On a sidenote, I planned to have KFC tonight. It's Friday after all. Today there are many surprises. An old friend is concerned about me. He too, talked to me. The warmth is almost unbearable. But unfortunately, my eyes are currently blocked by someone else. What follows expectation? Disappointment.

“不打擾，是我唯一可以送給你的禮物。”

Inhaler x 2.

         Thanks to the ever rising PSI, my asthma is back. Waliao. Never use inhaler now have to use inhaler. And the way the nurse looks at you and say "Girl, you must have it with you all the time ah." makes it sounds much more scarier. And as if one is not enough, I have two. Ugh.

            The one on the left is less urgent one. The one on the right is the scary one. Hmmm. Back to the daily medicated state again? BP 140/80. Hopefully it's cause my heart is working extra hard for lack of oxygen.

             " Things are better done alone, than to do it with people that wants nothing to do with you."

Player 2.

http://www.lifeinneon.com/games/Player2.html

      Go, click the url. It's not a virus apparently. It was sent to me by Alex. It's like a site where you can finally face your own fears. Or sadness. Can't say if it does any help, but it's kinda made me sad. Haha!

      Sometimes, even I myself wonder. Why am I caring about things that don't come with an ending. Maybe I'm looking for a closure. Maybe I'm still in limbo (again!). Truth is, no matter how much I joke in the crowd, I still don't feel too "well" most of the time. I am there, and it's like I'm not there. Heard two great songs today. "A Goose's Dream" and “爱我还是他”. Very touching renditions. Tired.

       "If distance is what you want, distance is what I'll give". However, like everything else in the world, it's easier said than done. How long more do I need? I'm so tired. I'm always tired. If only I could voyage the world without having any emotions. That will be great. Or will it be? Nah, I am just looking for closure. I think. Things haven't gone on smoothly lately. I feel like I'm all alone in this world.

The Break Up.

       What a sensational title. Not the kind that is in your mind right now though. I wonder if you could break up with your family? Like after a big quarrel, after big scuffle, literally a big fight. Do you become... not family anymore? What counts as a family? Your blood? Your surname? Loyalty? Or what? So let's assume that you can break up with a family member, I guess my parents have broken up with my uncle's family. At first I cried. Then I got tired. Then I got angry because I injured myself trying to split up the fight. Then in the end I feel like heck care edy. Because I think it's laughable. It's family isn't it? How did you intend to end this? I thought family means till death do us part?

         I am getting so damn tired with all the drama in my life. Was listening to Cloudy about a senior's engagement. Why don't I get something like that? LoL. Instead everyday I integrate to the surrounding. Doing things that people usually don't do. Things that result in a result. LoL. Speaking of results, I've got a B+! Yay~ Scholarship secure~ Lalala~ And to my dearest friend, I am so happy with your news. Can't wait for it to happen! Love you always~ Okay this post is getting random. Time to go do experiment. Sigh.

p/s: Can't even remember how to calculate dilution. Seriously? SERIOUSLY? @.@

In Shadows.

            So I was saying, I took a first step out. You see, sometimes I felt as though I came from another planet. I have very different moral stand with people. For instance, giving out present. I loathe buying present. Because I loathe to see the look of disappointment or despise or unsatisfactory façade on other people, which I perceive sharply. Like a kick to the back of my head. So I always give presents in secret. And you have to matter enough (and also I need to know what you probably really really wanted) to me for me to go through the hassle of buying, hiding it, and not being there when you see it. So about the price, if I gave you this present, of course I have assessed that you are valuable enough for me to pay this price for your present, that will make you happy. But when you asked me if you could pay me back, how much lower is my status in your mind? Sigh. At least you're very happy. I think. I hope.

               Second thing. It is always hilarious to me that people think I'm extreme extrovert or something. Simply because I speak things out. One, I only speak things like rubbish and work- related stuffs. Rubbish because it's the kind of humour I assumed I have (smartass!) and work- related because duh, I need to work to feed myself. And so I dare to speak in the crowd. To people. But have you ever really see me telling you how I feel about you (the listener)? I don't. I am shy. I am borderline intro/extrovert. I am me. I am egoistic. And so for the things that matter the most, I could only be in the shadows. Like a coward. But if you reach out to me, I will talk. I just don't know how to start talking. It is funny how I should feel when the whole room is laughing at how lame I am, but I can't make the ones that matter really listen.

                I'm not expecting anything. It's just drama in my own head, that one day I could make people understand. That deep beneath those lameness, could you really see who I am? But it's fine. One day, one fine day. Either I leave first or vice versa. Why pine on something impossible? What's the point of being angry when you're angry because your voice can't be heard through your actions?

                    Alcohol is indeed a great discovery. Or invention. Anything. At the very least, others are happy. I hope. I try.

   

Thoughts.

   Today someone told me, to let things take their own courses,  and to be less persistent with my own views. I said, if I take a step back, will I get hurt again?  If that's so I rather be a selfish bastard. Because I'm really too vulnerable. But today I took a step out. Will I get a blow in my face? Sigh.

Moving.. On/ Out?

      Finally done with exam and settled everything before realising, "OMG, I have no place to stay in 2 weeks time @.@". Oh wells, in the end I found a new place at Tiong Bahru. It really is very nice, albeit little small. Lotsa food at the surrounding though. Hopefully can live peacefully in it for another 2 years, maybe more. Hehe.

      Spent 3 days in SGH. At first, it was rather intimidating. Closed labs, long corridor, strangers. But after a few days, people there are rather nice. Transformation worked but yield lesser than what I hoped for. Hopefully it's a  "small leaves big carrot" situation. 

      Going back Gram's in a few hours time. Can I still call it Gram's when she's no longer there? Hmmm.. Who cares. She's always there.

       No longer awkward, but still silent. As I have always said, "It's like a magical spell. To break it, you will need the caster.". I don't think the caster in my situation is willing to do so. In fact, I think I'm just an annoying flea that the caster could not kill because it's against the animal  act or something. It sucks. But so be it.  We're all stuck here in this teeny weeny world anyway.

       We'll all learn to be happy for ourselves, in our own ways. But I guess I'm still here, waiting. Waiting for what? No idea, but there's no where else to go anyway.

p/s: I'm going to sign up for aikido lessons, with brother maybe. So that we can spend some time together and it's good for us =D

Loss.

        It's been a hectic week. A call received on Tuesday morning (160413). The kind that I disliked the most. The rush back home. The long wait. The anger and frustration. The responsibility. The lack of sleep. The decision. The last breath in front of me. The uncontrollable fits of cries. The extreme fatigue. The duties. The end. All in one week. It's as though I've aged ten years in a week.

        Then we're back to normal cycle of life. Wake up, study, eat, shit, shower, sleep. As though nothing has happened at all. I dare not think, for I'm afraid of my own thoughts. 

        And because I don't want to burden anyone with my relentless repeats of how miserable I feel, I tried to talk about other stuffs. Then I realised, there's nothing else I want to say. So I become quiet. Mindless. And carrying around air so heavy I can't breathe. The one person I hope to be by my side will never be. The only yearning. Never mind, life goes on.

Nothingness.

      I've always wondered. Is everyone the same in every corner of this world? Someone out there that's like me. Someone that has lost a certain motivation, a kind of momentum that propels you forward. I've literally became the man who can't be moved. I can't figure out what's wrong.

      I was never the shadow. Never the bench-warmer. I'm always offering myself. Enjoying the limelight. Whatever. Now all I want to do is to hide under my blanket. Willing the time to pass. Willing my tomorrows be lesser than yesterdays. It's wrong isn't it. Am I not at an age whereby I fight fiercely for my dreams? Am I not at an age whereby I run so quickly, without stopping, even when my chest is panting for breath, hurts like acid is poured into my lungs as I run (not that I know how that feels, just think that it probably hurts like Hades). Moving. Not static. What is wrong? I stare at my lecture notes, my journals, my unfinished literature review. The only time I feel like oh I'm moving is when I'm doing labwork. When I see the cells under the microscope. Other than that, I'm no different from any person that lived in Bedlam before. Simply staring into the space and allow time to pass. I'm scared. But I'm not scared enough to move. What should I do?

None of my business.

        It had been a week full of turmoil and emotional roller coaster. But hey, it's not about me. First it's the kids' posters day. Looking at them, being gancheong for them. Some get heck-cares by mentor. Some heck-care themselves. I must have looked like one of them last year. Before I turn my back and jump into the abyss anyway. While being around for the kids, I started to reminiscence. About how things were one year back. And how things are now. Anyway in the end everyone survived. And hooray! But none of my business since none of them is my student anyway.

         Then here comes my CA. I have nothing to talk about this actually. Just read through go through take CA. Yahoo. Won't fail I guess. And oh yeah, the stats assignment. I'm not done with it yet. Sigh.

          And at this time of the week you'll think that everything is going really well, right? With the long weekend creeping in. And I thought the ambience in lab was really amicable this week.

          I realised I can't write a word. About how I feel. Because the whole thing is really none of my business and no big deal. But I feel so shit, so shit, that I don't have any adjectives to describe my feeling. So I use a noun, shit. I feel like a pile of dung. Shit. Feces. Excrement. Whatever. But all I remember and all I know is I did nothing to deserve this. But here comes those optimists, it's not about you, you know. People make their own choices. You know they said when you meet with shit stuffs outside, you could go home. But not for me eh? I'm too scared to go home. Because going home always disappoints me. But guess what, staying right here disappoints me to the core too.

           But hey, I learnt something. It doesn't matter if you stop expecting stop asking anything from a person. Sometimes your mere presence irks the person. What can I ask for really? Friendship is the most worthless thing ever, because it doesn't mean anything, it doesn't give you right to feel anything, it isn't bound by anything, promises, whatever. Anything. So when we could choose the role we want to play, being a douche suddenly seems to be the best idea ever. Because whatever.

沉默。

沉默。

我喜歡你什麼 ，為何我總是不說？
你討厭我什麼 ，你從來顯得淡默。

我只能喜歡沉默。在暗夜裡我獨自遊走。我討厭被捆綁，反鎖，漆黑中摸索。哭有什麼用？
我只能保持沉默。在暗夜裡我跟著影子走。躲有沒有用？沒有用。
我們都習慣沉默。享受暗夜裡一個人遊走。誰喜歡被捆綁。反鎖。漆黑中摸索？哭根本沒有用。
你為何選擇沉默？為何暗夜裡不讓我跟你走? 不想被你遺忘。躲也沒有用。

沉沒吧。沒必要一直是拉扯的。等誰先開口說， 卻沒下落 。

Long time no hear nice chinese song. Not bad.

Grow up.

Growing up. It meant lots of different things to different people. Learnt a new word today. Multifarious. Apt for that sentence. Haha, okay that's lame. You know today I realised something. I realised growing up means, it's hard to care for someone. But, it is so much harder to pretend you don't care, when that is all you want to do in the world. Why can't my life be easier? Why can't I be more honest? What have I got to lose? Before I lose anything, I've lost everything already.

Pep-talk.

         Chinese New Year passed by in a glimpse. It was peaceful, enjoyable, though not that exciting anymore. Guess I ain't that young anymore eh? Soon it's the most commercialised festival of the year, Valentine's Day. None of my business, really. Then it's my "day", which I can't help but feeling like to avoid it. Not cause I fear the ageing, nope. Just an awkward day where everyone is awkward. Just another day.

           Forgotten why I started this post. Hmmm.. Oh I just finished climbing 26 floors at one go. Bad stamina really, but going to persevere and hope I can get fitter. Then..? Maybe train alongside Bro before he joins the army. Sometimes I feel sorry for him, cause I just can't be like those gentle, caring, demure sisters depicted in every possible scenarios. But I'm me, so bad luck for you, Bro.

            The post is called pep-talk. So I guess I'm gonna pep-talk myself. I'm 24, not much achievements up-to-date except for a degree in hand. That's all really. And I've been wasting the past 9 months wallowing in self-pity, initially because I don't understand, followed by "Oh.." and then "Should I..."... and these sorts of stuffs. But after tested very discreetly (at least IMHO) for a few times, I agreed that I think too much. Borrowing a statement from a friend, that's not my fruit tree. Not only that, don't think the tree even flower (for me) in the first place. Must have mistaken some other people's tree as my own. Ah, it must be a 桜木, only for admiring. Touche.

             So despite warnings like "You're gonna regret if you never try", "Why can't you just forsake your ego and be honest?" and stuffs like that, I still am not gonna try. Why? Call me a coward. Or nothing. But not going to do anything doesn't mean that I completely eliminated the tree. I just allow it to grow at some hidden place, so that one day if the tree intends to flower, I'll still be there. Hopeless much? Whatever. (I've been using whatever a lot lately. I always think it's rude. Maybe I'm getting rude.) On a side note, I don't understand why people act out of courtesy. Not that I'm asking people to be rude. But under private scenarios, maybe people can try and well, be sincere, rather than courteous.

             Now, I know that I've been static for months. I need to move forward. I need to know why I chose this path in the first place. I need to recover my passion. So from now on, watch me. I'm going to warm you with passion. I'm going to keep searching, because my dream is to be a researcher. Someone said to me, it's a marathon. So instead of burning out, I'm going to do it a step at a time, warming myself. There's this picture I saw that day, the difference between 0.99 and 1.01. There you go, I'm going to step out of my shell and give that extra 0.01 everyday. ファイト！

  

 

Poem.

“Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog

And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo

And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's

and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"

because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint

And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed

when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.


Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A

and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went

And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her

but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three a.m. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem

And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think

he could reach the kitchen.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower


What a poem.

Updates.

I am becoming a phantom. Not that it matters a lot, but me, a phantom. It's like I've became invisible. I feel awful. I'm still  trying to figure out the proper SOPs/ modus operandi/ whatever you call it. I need to settle and precipitate something out. I think.